A man is eating dinner in a restaurant. He notices a kid at the next table flipping a quarter in the air and trying to catch it with his teeth. The kid misses, quarter gets stuck in his throat and he starts to choke. The man calmly gets up, walks over, grabs the kid by the nuts, and squeezes. 

The kid yells in pain, and the quarter pops out. The man picks it up from the floor, puts it in his pocket and goes back to finish his meal. A woman at another table goes up to the man and says "I never saw anything like that. Are you some kind of new-age doctor?" The man says "Not me. I'm a stock trader."

ok so this guy goes into an empty restroom goes up to the urinal and starts doin his thing. all of a sudden a leprechaun walks into the bathroom in full attire and says to the man, (irish accent)

"hello, young man, i am a leprechaun and a granter of wishes, would you like to be granted any wish you choose?" the man, suprised, readily agrees. the leprachaun then replies,
"well, before i can grant you your wish i must secure your hands and feet so that when you receive what you wish for you will be restrained and be able to better decide if that is what you really wish for. many times a man may rush upon gold or women and then realize their wish lies elsewhere." the man, ponders a beat and gives his consent realizing the wisdom of the leprechaun's words.

the leprechaun then proceeds to tie the man to the urinal. once completed and satisfied with the job, the leprechaun begins to undress himself revealing a rather large leprechaun penis. the man then says, "Uhhh, what are you doing, do I get my wish n..." the leprechaun hastily interrupts and asks, "sonny, how old are you?" the man replies, "um, 36." the leprechaun smiles and then snides, "aren't you a little old to be believin' in leprechauns?"

Things You Can Only Say at Thanksgiving:
1. Talk about a huge breast!
2. Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3. It's Cool Whip time!
4. If I don't undo my pants, I'll burst!
5. Whew, that's one terrific spread!
6. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.
7. Are you ready for seconds yet?
8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9. Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10. Don't play with your meat.
11. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.
12. Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13. I didn't expect everyone to come at once!
14. You still have a little bit on your chin.
15. How long will it take after you stick it in?
16. You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17. Wow, I didn't think I could handle all of that!
18. That's the biggest one I've ever seen!
19. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom all the time.

A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tell the man to return in two days for the results.

The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says: "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it."

The man looks a little perplexed and says: "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, doc".

The doctor answers: "I'm sorry, there no known cure. We're going to have to amputate your penis".

The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion".

The doctor replies: "Well, it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice".




The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims: "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease".

The guy says to the doctor: "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what we can do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis?"

The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs: "Stupid American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way. No need to operate!"

"Oh, Thank God!", the man replies.

"Yes", says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks. Dick fall off by itself! You save money"

Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes.

The first man said, "My Ryan loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Ross was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Jack was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

One day a nun was standing on the side of the road waiting for a cab. A cab stopped and picked her up. During the ride she noticed that the driver was staring at her. 

When she asked him why, he said, "I want to ask you something, but I don't want to offend you."

She said, "You can't offend me. I have been a nun long enough that I have heard just about everything."

The cab driver then said, "Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun give me a blow job."

She said, "Well, perhaps we can work something out under two conditions. You have to be single, and you have to be Catholic."

Immediately the cab driver said, "Oh, yes! I'm single and I'm Catholic!"

The nun said, "Okay, pull into that alley." 

The cab driver pulled into the alley and the nun went to work. Shortly afterwards, the cab driver started crying. 

The nun said, "My child, what's the matter?"

He said tearfully, "Sister, I have sinned. I lied, I lied...I'm married and I'm Jewish!"

The nun replied, "That's okay. My name's Henry and I'm on my way to a costume party!" 

why does mike tyson cry during sex?

that's what happens when you get maced.